My book, My writing, and My life

Well I am sure there are many different reasons to write. I know that I write for myself. Do I care what others think? Yes of course I have my moments but it helps me come to terms with that and just plain learn not to care. Really if I started caring my writing would change and the meaning of it would change.

I started writing my blog back in 2010 shortly after I had lost my weight. Seems a bit odd but I do say better late then never. I do wish I had started writing sooner. I hardly remember very clearly my whole experience before and after losing weight. But I remember enough to put it all together. For some reason I have been blessed with a very bad memory. Does that mean I am ignorant? Of course not. It means I have to work that much harder to get where I want to be. I don't know why my memory is so poor. The only thing I can think to blame it on is the seizures I had from a baby to a teenager. I am pretty sure I had a lot. I was taking medication for a while until my mom just said it was doing more harm then good. Then by some miracle one day they went away. Why was I the lucky one? I feel in my life I have been blessed with luck. Maybe it's not luck but we can call it that. Even though I have always said I had a black cloud following me around. I have had my share of challenges but I have always made it through and to be honest couldn't imagine my life without them. 

Now maybe I am getting away from the topic but I guess that is the beauty of writing for yourself. Even though others are reading it. If it moves them they can relate and benefit from it and if it doesn't they can read someone's writing that will.  Pretty simple really. Writing just kind of allows you to sort things out. It allows me to have a reference to go back to and remember certain moments in my life and how I was feeling. For me it could be the start to the book I have wanted to write one day. ;) You never know it might come true. I truly do believe anything is possible and if you never attempt it there is definitely no chance of it happening. 

I have found this website to be a great resource on writing. It seems when you read the great work of someone else it gives you the inspiration to write. 

 http://goinswriter.com/life-feeds-words/

Now I know in the title of my blog post today I stated my book. Well for many years I have aspired to write a book and recently another writer inspired me to just start writing. One word, one sentence at a time. So I did. Today I started my book. Whether this is a book that will ever be published or read by anybody it doesn't matter. What matters is I am going to write it. No matter how long it takes. I will accomplish it one word at a time.

Is there something you have thought of doing for a long time but just haven't gotten started?

Mindfulness made simple

So have you ever heard people talk about the term mindfulness? Previously in my life I would of had no idea what that meant or even cared. It's funny how things change. Years ago when I had what I call my breakdown where one day I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't go to work or do anything. All I could do everyday was cry. I had no idea why or what I was going to do. I knew I had been stressed for many years and just kept pushing it aside. I went to a doctor and when I started crying the moment he walked in he just appeared so lost and had no idea what to do for me. Nobody did not even me. I didn't even know what I was crying about. The doctor offered me some prescriptions but I just refused to take them. I just couldn't. I didn't want that for myself and somehow I knew deep inside there was another way. I knew my job was very stressful for me so I started with that. I had already started losing weight at this point. I somehow knew things had to change. Didn't know how or what but something had to be different.

I didn't really understand anything until I changed. Until I found happiness in my life and myself. Then it was like an awakening. Maybe that sounds a bit cheezy but things are so much clearer now. I don't know how things worked out for me so well. Maybe my determination, strength, will, just something inside of me. Back then I never even knew I was strong. When you are at that point in your life you can't seem to find anything great about yourself or life in general. But the truth is we all have greatness inside of us and most of us don't even know it. It's funny I am not even ashamed to say that I cried. I know now that it's ok. It's not a sign of weakness. I had to fall into the deepest hole and feel like I had nothing left to build myself back up. Every time I fall and get back up, I feel stronger. I feel like my weaknesses have helped me develop my strengths. I feel like now I am living one of the greatest lives a person can have. I feel like I am incredibly happy and thankful. You can't beat that.

So you might be thinking, what does all this have to do with mindfulness? Well I guess you could say it has everything to do with it. Mindfulness is basically concentration. Another definition I love is:

"Mindfulness is moment-to-moment awareness. It is cultivated by purposefully paying attention to things we ordinarily never give a moment's thought to. It is a systematic approach to developing new kinds of control and wisdom in our lives, based on our inner capacities for relaxation, paying attention, awareness, and insight."

This definition was written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a very famous person when it comes to mindfulness. In order to change my life I had to be aware of what was causing me distress in the first place. I had to learn how to relax. I guess you could say I had to learn a lot of things. I pretty much had to learn about myself. I had to get deep inside myself to realize what was going on. Because it seems the reason I had no idea why I was crying before was because I wasn't even connected with myself. I pushed everything aside. I didn't face anything that was bothering me. Mindfulness has allowed me to have a deep connection and liking for myself. I understand myself and see my strengths and weaknesses. To be aware of what bothers me and how to cope with it. That is what will prevent me from ever getting to the point I was at before. When I think of mindfulness I think of one of the simplest things. And that is to just realize I am breathing. After I started being aware of that I realized I had never paid attention to that before. When we push everything aside we miss the things that are right in front of us. Beauty, people we love, just all the small things that really make us happy.

If you look at these pictures do you notice the difference in me not just physically but mentally? Do I appear more confident? Stronger? Not just physically but mentally? 

Now I did say this was mindfulness made simple. I hope it gives you a better understanding but I do also understand if it still doesn't make since. It might not of made since to me before. Just try feeling your breath. Being aware of yourself. Feeling your chest rise and fall. Feeling the air move in your nose and back out. Just try listening to the sounds around you. Without naming what the sounds are just listen. Hold a feather in your hand and feel it. You don't have to describe it. You just have to experience the feeling. Maybe these tricks will make things a bit simpler. It's really just paying attention. Kids pay attention all the time because everything is new. They are exploring and figuring things out. Once we get to be an adult we pick up the feather and just throw it to the side and say "yeah, that's a feather." We kinda stop experiencing and noticing things.

So can you feel your breath? Does it make you feel different? More relaxed? More Focused?

Don't let all your hard work go to waste

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” 

-  Beverly Sills

So for the last 9 months or so being unable to do very much working out of course I was paranoid about gaining weight. I have pretty much had an obsession about this since I lost all my weight about 4 or so years ago. Even though I know I know better or at least I thought I did, I started not eating very much. Pretty much just grazing maybe eating 3 times a day. Well I have been losing weight so its working right? But then when seeing my natropathic doctor the other day she mentioned to me that I wouldn't want this beautiful metabolism that I have worked so hard for over the years to go to waste. It might be working for me now but what's going to happen later. Something else to consider is the weight I am losing fat or muscle. Well I don't think I had very much fat so chances are its muscle since I haven't been able to lift anything with my back. My exercise routine has pretty much consisted of some gentle yoga and short 1 mile walks. My focus now in order to be successful still needs to consist of healthy foods and mostly eating foods that decrease vs. increase inflammation since I want to keep the inflammation as low as possible I will need all the help I can get. I do recall that I used to make fun of people who ate like I am eating now. You may be thinking what has your diet been like. Ok, so even though I am very embarrassed saying this cause I would of never thought of eating this way before I will confess.

Breakfast:
A small bowl of cereal with milk
(yes, I know me eating cereal!)

Lunch:
A half of peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Dinner:
A chicken breast and veggies
(now that's more like it I know)

So of course I didn't eat the exact same everyday but some days were probably this bad. I know what was I thinking? Or was I thinking. My thoughts existed behind the wanting to not spend so much money on food. I get lectures from my financial adviser all the time wondering how I could possibly spend so much money on food. But when you are eating like 5 chicken breast a day and lots of veggies and sweet potato which is not even including the food my husband eats this tends to get very expensive.

So all in all my intentions were good but I have come to realize that I am probably going about this the wrong way. Chances are that I will be more successful keeping my weight off correctly by eating small more frequent meals. I can still experiment with cheaper options such as using other sources of protein like beans and nuts. I never would of counted things like that toward my protein source but I have to remember I am not a weightlifter anymore which means a lot of adjustments and changes have to be made.

Goal: Improve my nutrition while still searching for money saving options. Eat more of an anti inflammatory diet to keep the inflammation in my back down and drink more water.

As stated on web md and anti inflammatory diet consists of:

• Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.
• Minimize saturated and trans fats.
• Eat a good source of omega-3 fatty acids, such as fish or fish oil supplements and walnuts.
• Watch your intake of refined carbohydrates such as pasta and white rice.
• Eat plenty of whole grains such as brown rice and bulgur wheat.
• Eat lean protein sources such as chicken; cut back on red meat and full-fat dairy foods.
• Avoid refined foods and processed foods.
• Spice it up. Ginger, curry, and other spices can have an anti-inflammatory effect.

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/anti-inflammatory-diet-road-to-good-health

Sample diet idea:

Breakfast:
2 eggs with veggies or fruit

Snack:
Handful of nuts

Lunch:
1/2 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup black beans, and 1/2 avocado

Snack:
Greek yogurt

Dinner:
4-6 oz chicken and veggies

Snack:
Nuts and Fruit

Now that I struggled to come up with just a sample diet I can see I will have to get more creative. Part of me enjoys cooking and part of me doesn't like to deal with the stress and cleanup cooking leads to. I am definitely not a natural cook which means I have to put a lot more effort into it then some. But I still do believe in whole foods and eating 5-6 times a day. It's time to get back on track.

What is your favorite money saving meal?

Technology in Our Life, Our Mind and Our Sanity

I do sit and wonder in this whole world out there how many people are just like me. Probably so many more then I think. Wow, that is a pretty interesting thought. I was just sitting here imagining what others are doing and thinking at this very moment. What would happen if you put all of our thoughts together? Would they be very similar or completely different? Now I think I am getting sort of off topic and daydreaming instead.

To start with I know I am a big thinker. Of course aren't we all? It seems that is the nature of the mind. To think. Of course thinking wasn't as much of a problem when I had more to do to distract me. During my recovery from my back injury sitting at home all day everyday gives you way to much time to think. But going back to being distracted. It seems as a society a lot of the changes have been very good and beneficial but on the other hand probably not so much in other ways. If you think about all the distraction we all have on a daily basis from the busyness of our life and technology taking over no wonder we are all stressed and frantic. No wonder the amount of thinking we do has probably increased significantly.

Let's look at phones for instance. It originally started with just a phone from home. Which must have been so peaceful if you think about it. I don't even think anybody was able to leave a message originally. Now of course this would not work in today's society. But think about how distracted we get from our phone. We can do everything on it. When I was in my doctors office yesterday this lady was at the counter and said my phone is my life. She kind of repeated it over and over again and said she didn't know what she would do if something happened to her phone. As guilty as I am with getting kind of obsessed with my phone at times I realize the problem here.

Since I realize what is going on and what the problems are it gives me something to work on in my own life. I believe we need to live by example. Instead of focusing our attention on others and trying to change people around us, we really need to be putting all that attention in our self. How does change occur? I believe change happens by one person stepping out of the box. Finding a different way. Then when others see your success and realize how well your way works. It seems you would end up with change.

Now I am sure this discussion could go on forever but I think you get the picture. I think as a whole we should all breath more, think less (or I should say not get as involved in our thinking), and remember to enjoy the little things. Enjoy all the moments life has to offer because when we get too involved and worked up in the busyness we miss the journey. And the journey is what makes this thing called life worthwhile.

"Breathing in, I calm my body.

Breathing out, I smile.

Dwelling in the present moment,

I know this is a wonderful moment."

-  Thich Nhat Hanh

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples."

-  Mother Teresa

Looking back

Childhood

High school

College

After

Now

Learning about my body

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

-  Stephen Hawking

I have to say rehabbing my back has been a huge learning experience for me in which now I almost feel as if I am in school with homework assignments and everything. I guess that is what happens when you get good medical care. Being a nurse myself I find all this very intriguing. Of course I learned about the muscles in school but for the last 4 years my focus has been on the veins and unless you deal with muscles day in and day out it is not very realistic to think you will remember them all. 

Today I learned about my multifidus muscles. Say what? Lol these are a small but I guess very important muscle in your back and supposedly a few of mine decided to take a vacation when they got tired of my back spasming and freaking out. I guess after a while they just decide to check out. So with a little contraction and relaxation work by putting my fingers on the muscles it will hopefully be able to train them to get back to work. 

Another thing I have discovered partially on my own and with a bit more education on it from my physical therapist is that when you are sitting it is best to sit with an anterior tilt vs. posterior tilt. Are you confused yet? Anterior tilt would be when you arch just the lower part of your spine, make  your bottom stick out and face your pubic bone to the ground. The posterior tilt is when you try to tuck your pelvis underneath (tuck your bum under), flatten the bottom of your lower back and face your pubic bone to the ceiling. Now I am of course no expert on all this stuff but it will be a continual learning process. But what I do know is I am becoming more aware of my body, how it feels, what helps and what doesn't. But for sure doing an anterior pelvic tilt when sitting down has been a tremendous pain reliever. 

Are you a visual learner?

Posterior Pelvic Tilt

Anterior Pelvic Tilt

So this is fantastic. I am making more and more progress each and everyday. Becoming more knowledgeable and mindful. And really looking forward to getting back to work next week which is when my self care and mindfulness about my body is going to be the ticket to my success in continuing my career and leading an active life. 

So the keys to recovery is understanding and knowledge. Persistence and dedication to finding what works. Don't ever let someone tell you there is not a way because when you stop trying you stop progressing. When you stop believing you stop living. 

Rehab Level 1

"I am too positive to be doubtful, 

too optimistic to be fearful, 

and too determined 

to be defeated."

So part of the keys to rehabbing successfully is knowledge and determination. This experience has been a huge eye opener for me. Coming to the realization that there are many people out there just like me dealing the very same or similar struggles. Being a healthcare professional myself I can certainly say we need a lot of work and it definitely appears we are going about this the wrong way. 

I recently had an interaction with a orthopedic surgeon who stood in front of me and told me that I had degenerative disc disease and annular tears in my back. He preceded to tell me that the pain I was experiencing was something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and that there was absolutely nothing he could do for me. Wow, being a very active person and having a very active job this came as quite a shock to me. Of course I believed him. I mean he's the doctor right? 

Being a person that has always been determined to find a way no matter what of course I was not going to leave it at that. In my last semester of nursing school the instructor told me there was no way I could pass her class and graduate. Well guess what...I did. I was determined to prove her wrong. I spent the last 3 weeks of school putting everything I had into it. Of course I had to take anxiety and sleeping pills to deal with the anxiety attacks I was having for those 3 weeks but I was going to do whatever it took. I had worked too hard and nobody and I mean nobody was going to stop me. I made an nearly perfect score on my final exam to pull that off. 

I have never been one to be told I couldn't do something. And that part about me won't change. I am however getting wiser with age. Years ago I became determined to take care of my body. And as much as I thought all my fitness endeavors were part of being healthy it was probably more fun then it was beneficial. But without regrets because those were some fantastic years. It is time for me to really listen to my body. 

Listening to my body right now and doing things right is the only way I will be able to live a somewhat active life with minimal pain at this point. Which means that there is hope. Not hope that I will one day run a marathon because that would not be a smart thing for me to do but hope that I will be able to possibly not be in pain for the rest of my life. Hope that I will be able to continue to be fit and play with my kids when I have them. And hope that maybe one day I will be able to play a softball game, go for a hike, and ride a bike. It's really the simple things that I look forward to. I want to go back to work and continue with a job that I love so much. 

After 8 weeks of trying to deal with this pain and find the appropriate people to help me recover and get through this I have finally found a very dedicated and talented team of people that I know will get me where I want to be. A great chiropractor, incredibly talented massage therapist, a doctor who will listen, and a physical therapist with miracle stretches. Yes miracle...4 stretches that pretty much instantly took my pain away and allowed me to move in a way I wasn't able to move before. Now of course it will take time. These muscles didn't become tight overnight and I will continually have to work at it to stretch, strengthen and obtain more balance in my body. With all this I will get less and less pain and be able to function better each and everyday. 

Below are the muscles I will be tackling first. It is time for me and my muscles to loosen up a bit. 

Anatomy

Quadratus Lumborum Stretch

The Quadratus Lumborum is a quadrilateral-shaped muscle of the abdomen that arises from the iliac crest and the iliolumbar ligament, inserts into the lowest rib and the upper four lumbar vertebrae, and functions especially to flex the trunk laterally

Psoas Stretch

Psoas are muscles of the lower back. There are two psoas muscles on each side of the back. The larger of the two is called the psoas major and the smaller the psoas minor.

The psoas major originates at the spine around the bottom of the rib cage and runs down to the thigh bone (the femur). The psoas major acts to flex the hip.

The psoas minor also originates at the spine around the bottom of the rib cage but it runs down to the bony pelvis. It acts to flex the lower (lumbar) spine.

Hip Rotation Stretch

Iliacus Stretch

The iliacus is a triangular muscle that passes from the pelvis through the groin on either side and, together with the psoas, flexes the hip.