Coping

"When problems beat upon you like a raging storm, search for the eye. You might not be able to avoid misfortunes, but you can find the calmest spot within them."

-  Richelle E. Goodrich

So it seems almost every second of every day I have been trying to wrap my mind around what has happened. My husband might tell you I am trying to drive him nuts and succeeding because I won't leave it alone, I won't stop asking questions and trying to figure things out.

Deep down inside I do know there isn't much to figure out. What I have is a very common problem and so many people out there are trying to deal with this pain everyday. Many people have this problem and have no pain at all. Why am I the one who will have the pain for the rest of my life?

 I know this is a question there will never be an answer for. People tell me it's because I am strong. I know I am strong and I can go out there and keep moving forward. I know I can prove people wrong and defy the odds. Not let this get the best of me. I do know I can be and will be that girl. I will do it. 

I do know that this beginning phase of trying to cope with the idea of being in pain for the rest of my life and that it is one of the hardest things I will try to do. Deep inside I say "what if I don't want to be in pain forever?" 

Unfortunately we don't get to choose everything we want. This will be my life now wether I like it or not. Even though I don't like it and I don't want it. It doesn't change the fact that my only option is to make the best of it. At this point I have to accept it. I have to use my mind to gain strength through it and to help me conquer the pain. The more you think about the pain the more it hurts. 

Of course if I don't do much it doesn't hurt much. But that is not my life and not an option for me. I have to go back to work soon. Do I know it's going to hurt? Yes I know it will hurt a lot. But I have found a job that I love and that I am happy with. I can't even imagine myself doing anything else. So on that note knowing that I have thought of every option. I will find a way to do my job. I have never been a slow walker. I walk with heavy feet. I have to completely change everything I was before. I have to be slower and more mindful of everything I do. I have to be more efficient to make up for being slower. I am good at what I do and when you find something like that, something you have a passion for, you can't give up on it.

I know that lately I haven't felt very strong. But I am getting closer to acceptance. I have to give myself time but yet I also have to put a stop to it and put a stop to it soon. Just stand up and continue to tell yourself everyday, "I am strong." Today I choose peace. I choose strength. I choose to never give up no matter what. 

How do you cope with things you don't want and didn't ask for?

What now?

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” 

~Arnold Schwarzenegger

Needless to say there have been some tough days recently. Some definite wake up calls. Some life changing experiences. 

What I do know is it can always be worse. Yes I have worked around death and tragedy for years. I know. Does that necessarily make my circumstance any easier. Well not really but it's something I need to be aware of. It gives me something to be thankful for. No matter what happens we always have something in our life where we can find some peace and happiness. 

So what do I know? I know that when I saw a doctor yesterday he told me that I had degenerative disk disease with a annular tear at L4-L5 and L5-S1. You may be thinking I am speaking another language right now unless you have experience with this terminology. It basically means I have a tear in a couple disks in my back. Which from what I have heard is not always painful but wouldn't it just make since that I would get to be part of the percentage experiencing severe pain. Maybe I should feel special. 

What I was told by an orthopedic surgeon yesterday was that this condition will never go away, that I will be in pain forever and if I ever lifted heavy weight again I put myself at really high risk. Now it wasn't really the sweetest way to break this to someone especially when he told me there was absolutely nothing he could do for me. It makes you wonder why you were so eager to hear results like this. But without answers I would't be able to continue to move forward. 

Since this wasn't necessarily caused by one event. Working in healthcare since I was very young I have spent many years pulling and lifting patients. This would be problem number one. Then after probably already doing a tremendous amount of damage to my back I took up heavy weightlifting. Oh and not to forget about the fact that I weighed a couple hundred pounds myself for a few of these  years putting even more strain on my back. Now when I talk about heavy weightlifting I probably did lift weights that really our bodies are not meant to handle. Taking healthy to a whole new unhealthy level. 

Do I have regrets? Well no not really. Of course who would have known. I mean I was warned that I was a little ridiculous by my husband who didn't want to see me all banged up like him. Did I listen? Nope. Didn't even phase me that anything like this would happen. Now of course if I had realized, which I wouldn't of. Yes of course I would of done things differently. I don't think anybody would deliberately put themselves in this kind of pain. 

What does this mean for me? Well I do know it means I will never lift heavy weight again. Yep not even if by some miracle I can get this pain to go away. Risking experiencing this pain or something worse again is not worth it to me. This is the kind of pain that knocks you down to your knees praying that something would give you some relieve. Praying for things to be different. 

Am I ok with the fact that I won't be a weightlifter anymore. Yes of course. I have no choice but to be ok with it. It is one of those things that you wonder at moments in your life, how would I deal with something like that if that happened to me. The truth is you just deal. You have no other choice. To be honest I am not even sure what disappoints me the most not weightlifting or never playing softball again. But before I get too worked up in what I will never do again I do have to remember I have only seen this doctor. There are others that can help you return to a more functional level with less pain. Now with this information I will have to be careful and aware of what I am doing for the rest of my life. 

What this means is it's time to move onto the next chapter in my life whatever that may be. Eventually that will be a baby obviously after I deal with this issue and make it manageable.  This is just another part of life. Another experience that is just part of my journey. Our struggles develop our strength. And even though this journey has been a roller coaster with a few break downs. I will continue to be strong and move forward in my life. Being strong is the only option. Of course we are allowed our moments of weakness. Those moments help us figure things out and gather the strength to get back up again. To keep pushing and continue fighting. Giving up is never an option even when you feel like it is. 

What would life be like?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we didn't care what others thought?

Sounds like it would be pretty peaceful. Right? Or would it be too relaxed? If you didn't care what anybody thought, would you really care about anything? Would you put in any effort in the things you do?

It almost seems like thoughts of course are necessary. But maybe not to be taken so seriously all the time. If you painted a picture there would be some that liked it and some that didn't. In life there will be some people that like you and agree with you and some that don't. Should this dislike change who we are? 

Is it true the more you like yourself the more others will like you? Hmm...I recall there being people that are very fond of themselves but not really liked by anybody else. Lol 

But of course on the other hand if you don't like yourself at all will anybody else like you. Are you confused yet?

I laugh thinking about this post. It is seeming to me like it has turned in to be a series of thoughts and questions. ;)

I really love this statement in the book, wherever you go there you are by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

"Awareness is not the same as thought. It lies beyond thinking, although it makes use of thinking, honoring its value and its power. Awareness is more like a vessel which can hold and contain our thinking, helping us to see and know thoughts as thoughts rather then getting caught up in them as reality."

Something to think about! :)

Experimenting with Epsom Salt

So during my injury I think almost everybody has asked me to try epsom salt for my back. Now me and epsom salt go way back. Ok way back meaning a couple years since I became a workout aholic. When I first started using them me and my husband lived in a house with a very large bathtub. Yes, a dream come true other then the fact it takes an hour for the tub to fill up and you would go broke with the amount of epsom salt you had to use. Then we had to move. My dream bathtub and fireplace swept out from under me. Next house had a regular size bathtub which I am sure most people have. Now coming from a tub that you could soak your whole body in to a tub where you have to soak half your body at a time a defiantly a bit disappointing. Needless to say my baths became a lot less frequent. Then the ability to even having a tub was swept out from under me. After another move I ended up with just a shower. Well at least I can stay clean but now while being injured epsom salt seemed to be out of the question. 

Until recently my chiropractor told me about epsom salt compresses. I will admit I did try that but in order to cover your entire back with a compress you need to use a large towel and lie on the floor which also turns out to be a bit messy with a wet towel and uncomfortable. So I decided to do a little research. Come to find out you can make epsom salt paste. Well I had an attempt with that by following a recipe I found online. But pretty sure came to realize it was never going to turn into paste just a bowl of water. I guess those ratios were a little off. 

Next epsom salt lotion. Hmmm....I do live lotion. My husband has told me many times that I am cut off from lotion. So far I think the experiment turned out a success. Now weather it works as well we will see but I did happen to notice it irritated my skin a little. Something to work on but getting closer. 

Who needs the gym?

Ok so I hope you know I am just kidding about not needing gym but of course there can be different kinds of gyms such as the great outdoors, which after getting attacked by a very large bug today i would recommend staying in doors. But come to find out I should be getting my workout in at work. 

During my physical therapy appointment today we were going over what I do at work and how to save my back. Does it seem a little concerning or surprising when I act like I have never heard about these proper body mechanics before? But remember what I said in my last blog post my body was indestructible. Oh yes or so I thought.

But proper body mechanics really means air squats and squat holds all day oh yes and some side stepping. When I hear the physical therapist telling me to stick my butt out I recall hearing that before and telling others that being the main focus when doing a squat. What I do not recall is ever actually doing that during my work day. So I am sure since I was indestructible proper body mechanics didn't apply to me. Funny how that works. Now it looks like I will save myself a little time in the gym and squat my way back to health. And I recall my orthopedic doctor recently told me to just stop squatting because my IT band was hurting. But from what it appears if I stopped squatting I would have a lot more hurting then that. 

Since I don't seem to have a picture of me squatting or good squat I should say I will just put a picture of me sitting. Well sitting is a type of squat, right? Ok so maybe in this instance my sitting form was not so great leaning forward and all but at least I Iook the cutest in this picture. Now lets face it when you look cute it gives you a little more flexibility or at the very least looks better on your blog.

Indestructible

Have you ever thought your body was indestructible? Have you ever had people tell you it will catch up to you and you thought that was impossible?

The best or worst part is when that comes back to bite you in the butt, for lack of better terms. I always wanted to go against the odds and do the things nobody else would or could do. Smart...well probably not but when your ego is in the way do we always play it smart and do what's going to be most beneficial to us in the long run? Not usually. 

I guess we pay for it in the end or to put it in a better way its a learning experience. Life is all about falling down and getting back up. Now sure I could think of it as I failed or I can think about the fact that I did some great and incredible things. I had some great experiences and memories. Even though its something you want to last forever but let's face it, nothing is forever. 

So maybe instead of looking at what I can't do now. Maybe I should focus on what I did do. I dead lifted 364lbs! Heck yeah. How many girls can say that? That is over twice my body weight!!

Link:  Deadlift Video

I lost over 60lbs and dropped from a size 16 to a 4!!

Talk about beating the odds. That was me! 

I competed in the crossfit regionals and placed in the top 20!

I got 4kg away from qualifying for the American open in Olympic weightlifting and competing against some of the best.

I learned how to do a handstand push-up!

I ran a half marathon!

I became the person I never thought I would be or could be! And with all that I don't have a thing to be discouraged about. 

I found myself. And that makes me happy. For so long I was lost. But never again. I have so many more things to do and to look forward to. Things waiting to be achieved. So what if I never compete in another Olympic weightlifting competition. So what if I don't run a marathon. I may just have to walk it ;)

More amazing things are just around the corner. All my experiences, trials and errors have made me who I am today. I will never give up on this thing called life and I will never stop moving forward no matter what obstacle I encounter. I will however listen to my body. There comes a time when it needs a little tlc. A time when maybe you can't continue to be so hard on it. Being smart is different from giving up. It's taking a different path.

Don't wait to take the first step in your life!

I am going to have a baby

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

I know there must be some of you that saw this and said what!!! It's not a very nice trick but then yet again maybe it is. I am not pregnant yet but am planning on it soon. Maybe I even set a date. ;)

First of all I have waited this long to make sure I am as ready as I can be and yes I know you are never really ready but you can be ready. Hmmm...some of you may understand what I am saying. Everything has worked out the way it should. A couple years back I wouldn't of considered myself healthy enough physically or mentally to handle having a child. For some reason I knew I wanted to wait. I couldn't of told you what for but I just knew. 

I have felt myself working my way up to the point of feeling ready. And today I know deep inside that I am as ready as I will ever be and the time is right. I have given it a go trying to be a big time weightlifter, cross fitter, and just trying to be the best out there. Well I may not have ended up being the best but I certainly have been the best I can be. Now I am not giving up. I know it could be possible for me to continue to get better and as I will but my goals have now changed. My work, my life and my body just need me to relax and focus on the next chapter of my life. Being healthy, fit and focusing my attention on giving someone else the best possible life. Teaching them what I have learned and guiding them through their trials and errors, joys and struggles. I am ready for everything to not be about me. 

Now why wouldn't I just run out and have a baby right this second. Well because I figured I have waited this long for things to be right. Why not make them as right as I can be by taking a few months to plan, learn and prepare for what's ahead. And yes from what I have read already there are many things you can do at least 3 months ahead of time to give yourself the best chance of having the healthiest baby possible. This will give me the opportunity to first of all to get the full experience. Second to get all my ducks in a row. And third to just get as mentally and physically prepared the best I can. Right now I am focusing on healing my back and then I will be focusing on starting the next chapter in my life. It is very exciting yet scary all at the same time.