"When problems beat upon you like a raging storm, search for the eye. You might not be able to avoid misfortunes, but you can find the calmest spot within them."
- Richelle E. Goodrich
So it seems almost every second of every day I have been trying to wrap my mind around what has happened. My husband might tell you I am trying to drive him nuts and succeeding because I won't leave it alone, I won't stop asking questions and trying to figure things out.
Deep down inside I do know there isn't much to figure out. What I have is a very common problem and so many people out there are trying to deal with this pain everyday. Many people have this problem and have no pain at all. Why am I the one who will have the pain for the rest of my life?
I know this is a question there will never be an answer for. People tell me it's because I am strong. I know I am strong and I can go out there and keep moving forward. I know I can prove people wrong and defy the odds. Not let this get the best of me. I do know I can be and will be that girl. I will do it.
I do know that this beginning phase of trying to cope with the idea of being in pain for the rest of my life and that it is one of the hardest things I will try to do. Deep inside I say "what if I don't want to be in pain forever?"
Unfortunately we don't get to choose everything we want. This will be my life now wether I like it or not. Even though I don't like it and I don't want it. It doesn't change the fact that my only option is to make the best of it. At this point I have to accept it. I have to use my mind to gain strength through it and to help me conquer the pain. The more you think about the pain the more it hurts.
Of course if I don't do much it doesn't hurt much. But that is not my life and not an option for me. I have to go back to work soon. Do I know it's going to hurt? Yes I know it will hurt a lot. But I have found a job that I love and that I am happy with. I can't even imagine myself doing anything else. So on that note knowing that I have thought of every option. I will find a way to do my job. I have never been a slow walker. I walk with heavy feet. I have to completely change everything I was before. I have to be slower and more mindful of everything I do. I have to be more efficient to make up for being slower. I am good at what I do and when you find something like that, something you have a passion for, you can't give up on it.
I know that lately I haven't felt very strong. But I am getting closer to acceptance. I have to give myself time but yet I also have to put a stop to it and put a stop to it soon. Just stand up and continue to tell yourself everyday, "I am strong." Today I choose peace. I choose strength. I choose to never give up no matter what.
How do you cope with things you don't want and didn't ask for?