So after all my talk today I had my first experience of what they call a bomb out in olympic weightlifting. This is where you miss all three of your attempts on either the snatch or the clean and jerk which in the end leaves you with no total for the competition.
Today felt quite traumatic for me, only because I made it that way. Just kinda took a mental dumb. Let my thoughts get away from me. I know this started before the competition began even though I felt really good at the beginning. The day before I was having trouble controlling my mind and trying not to think of numbers or other competitors. Mostly I had got myself excited about the fact that I am not far away from qualifying for the american open and nationals. I got so very nervous while waiting for my turn to start lifting. Things just got out of control mentally. Full of negative thoughts about missing the lifts. Then after I started missing I couldn't seem to turn it all around. I felt like I failed. I felt like since I had no total anyway what was the point of even going out there attempting a clean and jerk When it came time for the clean and jerk I felt so drained mentally and physically. The weight felt nothing like what it normally feels. I went out there missed my first clean and jerk, somehow found something inside of me to fight my way to victory with my second clean and jerk and kind of gave up on the third. I felt like the second attempt took everything out of me to get it.
So how do we look at these situations? I looked at it like I failed. What is failure? Well the dictionary states it is the act or instance of proving unsuccessful. Failure can mean difference things. As we fail we learn. We learn what didn't work. You learn how to improve upon yourself and your life. Not one of us is perfect. We will all experience failure if that is what you want to call it many times in our lives. As Winston Churchill says "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts". I have come very far in my life. I have to remember the accomplishments I have made. Three years ago I couldn't even do a pushup and was experiencing a mental breakdown. I couldn't do anything without crying. I couldn't even go to work without losing it. Now I am competing in olympic weightlifting. I feel like I am one of the luckiest and happiest people alive. I am very proud of myself. Tuesday I will go back to the gym and start again. My life is not over because I missed my lifts today even though that is how I acted. When I learn to not put so much weight on the lifts I will be even that much stronger. Each day is a new day.
Tonight I have the worst headache, my body aches, and I feel as drained as can be. Tomorrow starts some road trips with my mom and husband to see some of the sites around washington and enjoy a few days off of work. Time to recover and get things back on track. Right now I am watching the movie called soul surfer about a surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack and survived after she was supposed to be dead and learned how to surf again with one arm. It is inspirational.